1am on Christmas Eve

It's 1am on Christmas eve. And what am I doing? Lying awake crying my eyes out. Cant even really tell you why. Hell, I don't even know why. I'm guessing it is a culmination of all the crap in my life that has been happening in the past few months. I've put on a happy face and pretended that I am strong and I can handle it all... but I dont think that I can. I cant be superwoman... I cant be supermom. I cant do it all and I cant handle it all. I've been so stressed and so sad lately. Finances have been the bane of my existence. I am barely making it and I am constantly having to choose which bill I am not going to pay on a particular month... hoping that I will make more the next month to make up for it. I'm working 3 jobs and it's hard on Parker. I have to be gone 3 nights in a row every other weekend. I hate it. I just want to spend that time with my little boy. I dont want to work a job that I dont love because I have to.

BD and his GF are getting married. He proposed with a huge ring. And yet he cant afford to pay for more than just over half of Parker's daycare costs? And WHY does she have to be present at all of our meetings together?! GF is not his parent. 2 against 1 is not fair. I feel ganged up on, and I dont feel like I actually get to speak my mind about things. Progress is not being made and my level of frustration just continues to rise.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like I am falling farther and farther down.

One of these days I'm going to be able to pick myself back up, right? Maybe then I wont have to pretend to put on my happy face. Or my supermom face.

What the Heck, Universe?!

I've been single for quite awhile now. I've met a few guys here and there, but no guy that is quite good enough, or doesn't want to date a single mom. I kind of got used to it, and I started to accept that I would be single for awhile. I was doing okay. I was busy. I was happy. I was single. And then, about 2 weeks ago, I met a boy. A boy that is perfect in every way. 

He likes kids. 

He likes Parker. 

He is kind and generous. 

He works out on a regular basis, so he is in excellent shape. 

He has an amazing job--he just finished up with medical school and is becoming an Ear Nose and Throat surgeon. 

He can dance. 

He likes the Ducks. 

He and I have a lot of things in common. 

He is extremely smart. 

He is gracious. 

He is gorgeous. 

He is wonderful. 

He is everything I could ever want. 

And he is leaving. 

He got matched to complete his Residency in Michigan, which is a top 3 program. In case you didn't know... residency lasts 6 years.

We went on a date early last week, and I had the most fun I have ever had on a date. It was simple, but it was WONDERFUL. Since then, we have talked a little almost every day. I got to see him last night again, and he invited me to a going away party that his family is throwing for him on Sunday.

Three weeks is NOT enough time. And Michigan is TOO far away! 

What the heck, Universe??! Why, when a guy comes around who is perfect in every way and likes my kid and is okay with me having a kid, does he have to leave?!

This has been the best few weeks, but Wednesday is going to officially suck.

Screwed Up

So, I realized something the other day. I'm screwed up. I was talking to my best friend about guys the other day. It was eye-opening to say the least. I think my past relationship with my ex-fiance screwed me up. A lot. It was unhealthy, to say the least, and tumultuous. We were always fighting, and there was some form of emotional abuse that went with it. But, for a very long time, I stuck with it... because I was in love. A very sick and twisted kind of love. Maybe it was more that I was comfortable. But how does that make sense?? I was comfortable being miserable half the time? Talk about screwed up. 

I grew to accept my relationship and my life. I didn't understand why all of my friends and sorority sisters didn't like him. At some point, I blamed them for not giving him a chance, and accusing them of trying to break us up. I was so close to leaving my sorority and breaking off friendships because of that. I don't really know what kept me from leaving... maybe it was that bond of sisterhood that runs so deep. Either way, I am so glad I stayed. Because of my friends (sorority and other), I grew stronger and wiser. I was able to notice his lies and realize what he was putting me through. I started to realize that I was not happy. I deserved to be happy. And I wasn't. 

It took me a long time to break all ties with him though. It's one thing to realize everything. It's another thing to actually do something about it. The best thing he ever did was move to Hawaii. He was an ocean away and I couldn't fall for his crap even if I wanted to. He was gone, and I was able to move on with my life and learn how to be Megan again. I was with him for so long that I was always "Megan and...." ALWAYS. I'm now able to say that I am Megan. And the only "and" after my name is attached to Parker. Megan and Parker. And that is something I am deliriously happy about. I'm strong now. I am my own person. I have ambitions, and I am doing something about them. I am not being held back by a bump-on-the-log ex-boyfriend. I am in control of my own destiny. 

So here I am, back to this week. There are some updates in the guy department, but I'm not really sure what those updates are. I am trying to sort out my feelings about it all, but it's throwing me through a loop. Why is that? Well... I think it's because he is too nice. Too nice?! What the heck, Megan?? And that's when I realized it. I am attracted to assholes. I want to be with a nice guy, but I always find myself wanting the asshole. I said I was screwed up, right? It's funny. Whenever I picture my future (me, Parker, my future husband, and maybe future other kids), I always picture me with a nice guy. A guy I can spend the rest of my life with. But in this moment... I don't want the nice guy. But I want to want the nice guy. 

So I started thinking... maybe I should seek therapy to work through some of my problems. Maybe I can stop falling for the assholes in my life. And maybe, just mayyybe, I can fall for the nice guy. Thanks to my friend, Leanne, I'm not really afraid of therapy. Her blog post here made me think that it might be a good thing to go do. If she can do it, I can do it right? I still have so many issues from that relationship I was talking about earlier that have just kind of been swept under the rug. I wanted to move on, so I did. But in the moving on, I didn't deal with everything. I mean, there was a lot to deal with. A lot of crap that I went through and believed in. And I left the relationship completely effed. 

So now what do I do about this new nice guy? I still don't know what my feelings mean right now. I'm not used to not knowing or not understanding what I'm feeling, and it kind of weirds me out. Not to mention, I don't know where nice guy even stands in all of this.... but I think I might want to find out. I just have to grow a pair first and ask...

Missing Cat

My cat went missing last night. It's been 14-15 hours now, and still no sign of her. I really wish she would just make it home... 

Parker and I miss you Fiona!! Come home soon!

Scattered.

I've been so so so busy... which is why I haven't posted anything in awhile. I just completed my third week at my new high school placement. It's been great, but exhausting. High schoolers are definitely different than middle schoolers, and at this point, I think I prefer middle school. 

Not only have I not been able to keep up with this blog, but I also haven't had much time to clean house. It's embarrassing. Like, really. I need a housekeeper. And I need to fully unpack everything in my room from when I moved into my apartment in SEPTEMBER. Yeah, September. 

My head has been kinda crazy lately, too. A lot has been going on up there, and I am working to sort some of it out while I still get all of my other stuff done. Not easy to work stuff out in your head when you don't have too much time to address it or even think about it. 

In other news, my aunt and uncle are visiting for about a week from southern California. I love it when they visit. They are so much fun to be around, and I wish I could see them more often. 

This post is really scattered. Kinda like my head lately. Blah. I promise a more interesting post soon.

Potty Training Take... 75?

I've been working on potty training Parker for almost a year now... granted, I haven't been too serious about it for all of that time. I mean, I had a potty, and would ask him every once in awhile if he wanted to go... but past that? Not a whole lot... until about 4 months ago. He was about to move into the preschool classroom at daycare, and many of the kids in that class are potty trained or close to being potty trained. So, I've been trying. We did the whole you-get-a-treat-when-you-try, but that only resulted in him wanting to go pee every 2 minutes (he just wanted the m&m). Then I tried the you-get-a-treat-if-you-actually-go-in-the-potty. That worked for a while... at least more than before. Lately, though, he has been regressing. I was told a few weeks ago that they were going to postpone his swimming lessons (they give them at school!) because every time he got in the pool, he pooped. Not. Good. 

So, finally, today I went to the store and got supplies to make him a potty chart. 

He seemed pretty excited about it, because a) he got to pick out the stickers and b) he loves stickers and wanted to put them on the chart. This is hanging on the wall between the bathroom and his bedroom.

About an hour later, this is what we have!

TA-DA!!!!

How Parker Wakes Up From Nap

I took my camera into Parker's room when I went to take him up from nap, and took way too many pictures. Here's a glimpse :)

burying his face in his pillow because he didn't want to wake up

trying to hide from me...

still burying his head

very very drowsy

...and... the eye rub

yuck... picking his nose...

Do I have to get up, mom?

Waking up a little...

biiiig yawn

 grumpy face

 nevermind... i dont WANNA get up!

 No!

 I'm gonna lay my head down, k?

 Can i sleep here, mom?

 Oh, there's his smile!

 First thing he wants to do? VACUUM

 Such a good vaccuumer

 Umm... his pants are officially high waters now...