So, I realized something the other day. I'm screwed up. I was talking to my best friend about guys the other day. It was eye-opening to say the least. I think my past relationship with my ex-fiance screwed me up. A lot. It was unhealthy, to say the least, and tumultuous. We were always fighting, and there was some form of emotional abuse that went with it. But, for a very long time, I stuck with it... because I was in love. A very sick and twisted kind of love. Maybe it was more that I was comfortable. But how does that make sense?? I was comfortable being miserable half the time? Talk about screwed up.
I grew to accept my relationship and my life. I didn't understand why all of my friends and sorority sisters didn't like him. At some point, I blamed them for not giving him a chance, and accusing them of trying to break us up. I was so close to leaving my sorority and breaking off friendships because of that. I don't really know what kept me from leaving... maybe it was that bond of sisterhood that runs so deep. Either way, I am so glad I stayed. Because of my friends (sorority and other), I grew stronger and wiser. I was able to notice his lies and realize what he was putting me through. I started to realize that I was not happy. I deserved to be happy. And I wasn't.
It took me a long time to break all ties with him though. It's one thing to realize everything. It's another thing to actually do something about it. The best thing he ever did was move to Hawaii. He was an ocean away and I couldn't fall for his crap even if I wanted to. He was gone, and I was able to move on with my life and learn how to be Megan again. I was with him for so long that I was always "Megan and...." ALWAYS. I'm now able to say that I am Megan. And the only "and" after my name is attached to Parker. Megan and Parker. And that is something I am deliriously happy about. I'm strong now. I am my own person. I have ambitions, and I am doing something about them. I am not being held back by a bump-on-the-log ex-boyfriend. I am in control of my own destiny.
So here I am, back to this week. There are some updates in the guy department, but I'm not really sure what those updates are. I am trying to sort out my feelings about it all, but it's throwing me through a loop. Why is that? Well... I think it's because he is too nice. Too nice?! What the heck, Megan?? And that's when I realized it. I am attracted to assholes. I want to be with a nice guy, but I always find myself wanting the asshole. I said I was screwed up, right? It's funny. Whenever I picture my future (me, Parker, my future husband, and maybe future other kids), I always picture me with a nice guy. A guy I can spend the rest of my life with. But in this moment... I don't want the nice guy. But I want to want the nice guy.
So I started thinking... maybe I should seek therapy to work through some of my problems. Maybe I can stop falling for the assholes in my life. And maybe, just mayyybe, I can fall for the nice guy. Thanks to my friend, Leanne, I'm not really afraid of therapy. Her blog post here made me think that it might be a good thing to go do. If she can do it, I can do it right? I still have so many issues from that relationship I was talking about earlier that have just kind of been swept under the rug. I wanted to move on, so I did. But in the moving on, I didn't deal with everything. I mean, there was a lot to deal with. A lot of crap that I went through and believed in. And I left the relationship completely effed.
So now what do I do about this new nice guy? I still don't know what my feelings mean right now. I'm not used to not knowing or not understanding what I'm feeling, and it kind of weirds me out. Not to mention, I don't know where nice guy even stands in all of this.... but I think I might want to find out. I just have to grow a pair first and ask...
