It's 1am on Christmas eve. And what am I doing? Lying awake crying my eyes out. Cant even really tell you why. Hell, I don't even know why. I'm guessing it is a culmination of all the crap in my life that has been happening in the past few months. I've put on a happy face and pretended that I am strong and I can handle it all... but I dont think that I can. I cant be superwoman... I cant be supermom. I cant do it all and I cant handle it all. I've been so stressed and so sad lately. Finances have been the bane of my existence. I am barely making it and I am constantly having to choose which bill I am not going to pay on a particular month... hoping that I will make more the next month to make up for it. I'm working 3 jobs and it's hard on Parker. I have to be gone 3 nights in a row every other weekend. I hate it. I just want to spend that time with my little boy. I dont want to work a job that I dont love because I have to.
BD and his GF are getting married. He proposed with a huge ring. And yet he cant afford to pay for more than just over half of Parker's daycare costs? And WHY does she have to be present at all of our meetings together?! GF is not his parent. 2 against 1 is not fair. I feel ganged up on, and I dont feel like I actually get to speak my mind about things. Progress is not being made and my level of frustration just continues to rise.
I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like I am falling farther and farther down.
One of these days I'm going to be able to pick myself back up, right? Maybe then I wont have to pretend to put on my happy face. Or my supermom face.
