What Happens If...?

Practicum and Student Teaching got a little more real for me this evening. I had to go to a mandatory orientation for it at Concordia, and let's just say my anxiety level was through the roof. I am going to be working my butt off for the next 4 months, and do not have the flexibility for Parker to get sick (let alone myself!).

My anxiety level went back down a bit after a beer at Kennedy School with my cohort. Man, I love them! We were all able to drink, eat, and chat about all sorts of things--vacation, our placements, trying to find a job, graduation, the party after graduation... you name it. It was a much needed break from reality.

I am a little nervous still, though, because I CANNOT mess this up. I need to be perfect to get a job after all this is done, and if I fail, I can pretty much kiss my potential teaching career buh-bye. Everyone keeps telling me that I will be fine, and that I will get through this... and I am honestly trying to believe them... but I have so much going on in my life at all times that if anything went wrong, it could potentially all spin out of control. And that terrifies me. 

I have been so stressed about everything lately (money, school, work, Parker, our future, etc), that I find myself constantly thinking--and constantly thinking of the way things can fall apart--and ohmygod what happens if it does?! I guess its a symptom of being a single mom... you'd think it would get easier after awhile, or that I would get better at it... but some days it seems like I am barely hanging on. I hate the feeling, and I hate the guilt that I am not spending as much time with Parker as I want to. I just have to remind myself that this will not last forever, and things will turn around and get easier.,. at some point.

Let's See How This Goes...

So, I am a perpetually bad blogger. I start a blog, and am good at updating for maybe four months. Then I get busy, forget all about it, and decide about a year later that I need to start a new blog. Here we go again! My goal of this blog is to get more personal--less fluff, more depth. I'm not even sure if anyone will read this, and honestly, I'm not really sure if I care right now. This is for me, right? 

For the past few weeks (months, actually), my anxiety and stress level has been rising... steadily. At the end of this week, I am quitting my job and preparing to start Practicum and Student Teaching to fulfill my requirements to get my Master of Arts in Teaching and my teaching certificate. This means working full time (and working hard all the other time) with NO PAY. That's right--No. Pay. I am absolutely terrified by this, not only because it is something completely new and all of a sudden I'm not sure what I got myself into, but I'm supposed to be able to support Parker and I for 18 weeks with no income other than student loans, which let's face it, does not account for the amount needed to pay for daycare. GREAT. So, instead of fully leaving my job, I am switching to on-call, which means that I will be working overnight shifts here and there earning $5/hr less than what I am now. I can only work shifts when Josh has Parker, which ensures that I will have zero free time between now and June. And what happens at the end of June, you ask? Well, I hope and pray that I can get hired as a teacher somewhere, try and find some Summer work teaching Summer School, or pick up more on-call shifts through UCP. Either way you slice it, my life (and Parker's life) is going to be chaotic and in limbo for an undetermined amount of time. My only hope is that I can keep this from disrupting Parker as much as possible... and that I am going to be able to pay my bills.