What Happens If...?

Practicum and Student Teaching got a little more real for me this evening. I had to go to a mandatory orientation for it at Concordia, and let's just say my anxiety level was through the roof. I am going to be working my butt off for the next 4 months, and do not have the flexibility for Parker to get sick (let alone myself!).

My anxiety level went back down a bit after a beer at Kennedy School with my cohort. Man, I love them! We were all able to drink, eat, and chat about all sorts of things--vacation, our placements, trying to find a job, graduation, the party after graduation... you name it. It was a much needed break from reality.

I am a little nervous still, though, because I CANNOT mess this up. I need to be perfect to get a job after all this is done, and if I fail, I can pretty much kiss my potential teaching career buh-bye. Everyone keeps telling me that I will be fine, and that I will get through this... and I am honestly trying to believe them... but I have so much going on in my life at all times that if anything went wrong, it could potentially all spin out of control. And that terrifies me. 

I have been so stressed about everything lately (money, school, work, Parker, our future, etc), that I find myself constantly thinking--and constantly thinking of the way things can fall apart--and ohmygod what happens if it does?! I guess its a symptom of being a single mom... you'd think it would get easier after awhile, or that I would get better at it... but some days it seems like I am barely hanging on. I hate the feeling, and I hate the guilt that I am not spending as much time with Parker as I want to. I just have to remind myself that this will not last forever, and things will turn around and get easier.,. at some point.